Story of a Monster
by Moonlit Feathers
Summary: The events of the movie from No-Face's perspective. This is No-Face as you've never seen him before: a lost, lonely spirit who just needs some love and attention.


So, wow. This oneshot will mark the first story of mine that I've ever completed, fanfic or original. 0o0

I think the inspiration for this fanfic started the first time I watched "Spirited Away." Sen said she thought that being in the bathhouse made No-Face crazy, and I just had to wonder, '_why_?' Many viewings of "Spirited Away" later, I started writing this story. Enjoy.

Story of a Monster

...Who...Who am I? What is "I?" What am I thinking about? What am I thinking with? What do I mean, who am I? Am I really there? Is there any "I?"

"I" am confused. What is this place? I don't know. I don't remember. I look around me. Things look fuzzy. The word "bridge" comes to mind. Bridge? Mind? What are these things? I can think them but I don't know.

Things pass by. They are "spirits." They walk to a large, pretty building on one side and away from it on the other. They pass over the bridge for hours, and not one looks at me. Why don't they see me? I'm here, aren't I? Look at me! I wave at them, but they don't look around. Maybe my arms are too little.

A girl. A girl walks by. She sees me. She is holding her nose. She leans away from me as she passes. Do I smell bad? Where did that thought come from? What is smell? What is bad?

I wait. I am confused. Who am I? Where am I?

-.-

I can see more now. It is less fuzzy. The spirits are all gone. None of them looked at me after that girl. Was she an illusion?

Everyone is gone. I am alone. I don't like this. I don't want to be alone! I was alone...before...

Something flitters through my brain. I let it go. It was an ugly thing, with nasty painful spikes and cruel eyes. If that was a memory, I'd rather forget.

The girl is back. The girl is back! Everyone else is gone but she came back! She sees me and hesitates, then crosses the bridge again. She goes past me quickly, not looking at me, but I think she bows. This bowing, I somehow know, is respectful. She acknowledged me! Somewhere inside me, in something that is not there but I think once was, I feel...different. This new feeling is difficult for me to describe. It does not seem to be something I just know, like the rest. It must be something I never felt...before. Not-sadness? Not-loneliness? Perhaps the word will come to me. Perhaps I cannot remember what I never knew.

-.-

The girl comes back! But this time, this time she does not see me. Is it because she was with that boy? I hate him, then. He is one who does not see me.

She is walking away. The boy is gone and she is walking to that building. I don't want her to leave again. Why can't she stay?

I move. I can move? I can! I will follow her. I must go slowly, with small steps, but I can follow her. I will not be left behind again.

-.-

This building is big, so very big! I wander around outside. I cannot find the way in and I have lost the girl.

I can see inside. All the spirits are eating, taking baths, watching other spirits dance and entertain them. I know these are fun things, nice things. I know the spirits must be important to be able to do these things. I know I have never done these things, but I have watched others do them, many times. I really want to get inside. I want to do these things, to have this fun. Why can't I? Why don't people see me and let me in? They are leaving me out! I am always being left out...

-.-

Time passes. How much? How does one tell? It feels like everything has always been this way. But it is different now. There is water falling from the sky. Rain. It hits me and slides off. I know it should be cold, but I do not feel it.

The girl! I found her again! She is inside the pretty building, looking out. Looking at me! She bows again and says something. Talking...this is something I remember other people doing. I could not do it, or people got mad at me. I stay silent. I want her to let me in. I hope she will understand even though I do not talk.

She leaves. She says something and leaves. But the door is open. It was closed when she got here, and then she opened it. Does that mean she left it open for me?

I come closer. No one else is around. I enter the building and go looking for the girl.

-.-

This place has so many spirits! I cannot find the girl and I do not know where to look. I stop in a place where many spirits pass by often. Maybe the girl will come by here eventually.

I wait a long time. There she is! She goes up to a man behind a tall desk. I follow. She is asking him for something. He talks back. The words are not clear to me, but I recognize the way he speaks. He is being mean to her. I wonder what she wants. I would give it to her. Then I see the man give a wooden slat to some other spirit, and then another. Is this what he does? He gives out those wooden slats? And the girl wants one? Then I will give her one.

I bow to the girl, so she will know I want to help her. She bows back. The man looks at me, but he does not see me. This time I am glad he doesn't see me. He is mean. Then he turns away. I reach forward and grab one of the wooden slats and give it to the girl. The man tries to grab it from me, but he cannot touch me. This worries me a bit. Do I really exist then?

The little girl thanks me and runs off. She's so nice. She sees me. She let me in. She isn't like these others. She notices me. She makes me feel like I'm really there. She makes me not-lonely.

If I give her more of these wooden slats she seems to want, will she stay with me? Will she not run off any more? I want her to stay. No one sees me when she's not around.

The man leaves. I will take many of the wooden slats to give to the girl. I go the way the girl went. No one sees the slats when I hold them. Have they become not-real too? I wonder why I can hold these things and the man can hold these things but he cannot touch me. Maybe I have to want to touch him? I am happy to think that I can choose. Choice is not something I am not used to.

Where...where...there she is! The girl is standing on the edge of some big tub. I go to a corner and wait patiently, as I always used to. Will she see me?

She did! She saw me! And...she fell. That must hurt. I pause again. What is hurt? It seems like something I know well. I think it is something bad. I do not wish for her to be hurt. If she came with me, I could keep her safe. She would be safe and I would be seen. We would never have to be apart.

I offer her the wooden slats. She seems confused. She talks some more. Won't she take them? I want her to take them. I want her to accept my gift and say that she will stay with me and never leave me. But she does not take them.

I am confused. Did I do something wrong? Does she not like me? Does she not want the slats? Too many thoughts..confusing...

I leave. I fade away and hide. Not even she can see me now. I will go in a corner and stay there until I know what I did wrong. This is familiar too...

-.-

Things are noisy now. It is scary and confusing. Water is everywhere, and it pushes up against my feet. People are running and shouting. Many of them are standing in a line and pulling something. What are they doing?

I look back in the room with the rub and I see the girl at the front of the line. All the water is pouring out of the tub, where there is a big mound of water. Suddenly many dirty things come out of the water, and then the water reaches out and grabs the girl. I wonder if that hurt. But then the water goes away and she comes out again. She seems all right. Maybe it was nice being part of the water. Maybe she could be part of me like that. The girl runs away from the tub as a very big spirit flies out of it. And everyone is noisy again. A big old woman goes up to the girl and hugs her. I know this is something special. I used to see other people getting hugs. She calls the girl Sen. Sen? Is that her name? I am glad I know her name. Names are important. They tell you who you are, and they tell other people who you are too. I do not remember my name.

Everyone is so excited and loud now. What is this "gold" that they all want? It must be very powerful. I pick some up. It looks pretty and shiny, but many things here are pretty. I do not know why it is special. But I know that it is. This is a memory as well. Gold lets people come to places like this and have baths and be listened to and looked at.

Gold...if I have this, will they see me? Will they listen to me? Will I be important? I think so. I must have gold, then. But it is not easy to get...

I suddenly think, I do not need gold. I only need to make them think I have gold! I feel very smart for thinking this. At the same time I think it is something someone else said once. I hope I can do it.

I concentrate very hard on the piece of gold in my hand. I try to make more of it. But I cannot. I start to feel I can never do it. I could never do anything. I was always a failure...

I see something on the ground. Dirt? Dirt is very familiar to me. I pick some up. It is about the size of the gold piece. I look between the two, and I suddenly have a new idea. I concentrate on the piece of dirt and think about it being gold instead.

There! It turned gold! It flickered in my hand for just a moment, but it was gold!

I concentrate more. Spirits pass around me, fewer and fewer, then none. The lights go out and I am alone. But I hardly notice. This gold is important. Once I have it, no one will leave me alone again.

-.-

Eventually I can turn dirt into gold easily. I find there is something like dirt inside me, and I can pull it out and turn it into gold when I want it. I can make more gold now!

But even as I am happy about this new accomplishment, I realize another thing I am lacking. A voice. The spirits are noisy, but their speech allows them to understand each other. They can tell each other what they want. I cannot be acknowledged unless I can talk to them, can pull the thoughts out through my mouth. But I was unable to speak for so long, I've forgotten how.

I sit and think, alone in the dark. I'm lonely again now, so very lonely. Eventually I wander into the room where I gave Sen the wooden slats, where she stood on the edge of the large tub and was hugged by the fat woman. A very important spirit sat in that tub. He could make gold too, but it was real. Am I real? Maybe my gold could be real after all. Am I important enough to sit in the big tub?

I slowly move over to the tub. I slide up the side. I sit in the middle. I sit in the tub and pretend it is filled with water, and the spirits are all around again making noise and I am important and special! Everyone sees me!

Something makes a noise. I look and see a large frog scraping at the ground. Has it come to see me being important? I will give it some gold. If it wants the gold, it can come and be with me. As part of me it can have lots of gold. And I will be more complete.

It sees me now and says something. This frog can talk. Maybe if it was with me, I could talk too. Maybe if I give it more gold it will want me to stay. I call up more dirt, make it look like gold. The frog comes to me. So he does want to be with me! I will add him to myself, then. Just as the water reached out and took Sen, I take the frog.

He squirms a bit. It feels strange to me, having this solid being inside me. It must feel strange to him too. But now I am more!

I hear more noise. I creep out of the tub, climb up the wall and look over. A man is there. He asks what the noise is. I find I can understand him now, and I search the frog's mind for words. This man is known as "boss." I tell him I am hungry, starving! I want food. Food will fill me inside and make me more. And I want a bath! Important people always have food and baths. I want the spirits to bring me food, to see me! I want everyone to come see me! Wake everyone up and come see me! Make me feel important!

-.-

They see. They all see me now! They gather around me and give me food as I sit in a bath. I give them gold and they do what I say. I feel wanted as I never was before. But something...is not right. I eat and eat, but I still don't feel full. I need more. More! Bring more! Just keep the food coming! I want to eat everything! More and more until it fills me!

I eat and eat for such a long time. Why isn't it enough? I am bored of eating now. Boss-man says they will take me up to a guest room, the best one they have. They are showing me respect, but I still want something more. Maybe...maybe I need Sen. Yes, Sen is the only one who can fill me. I want Sen. Where is she? She was the first to see me. She is the only one who matters. If I have her, people will always see me. I will never go away.

There! She is coming down the hallway! She stops and thanks me again for helping her. She is so polite. But boss-man yells at her. He is being mean and I want to see Sen, so I get him out of the way.

I offer her gold, lots and lots of gold. I hope she will accept it. If she accepts it, we can always be together, and I will never disappear again!

But she shakes her head. I am shocked. I cannot even ask her why. She doesn't want my gold. She says she is in a hurry. And she leaves. I am shocked. The gold spills from my hands. She is too busy for me? She was so nice before...does she no longer care? Has she abandoned me? The pain is sharp, and the memories are so close I can almost see the shadow of someone, a shadow going farther and farther away. I can feel again the lonely corner in which I stayed, alone. _No!_

I want to disappear. I want to go away and think, alone. But I can no longer disappear. I have that frog with me and so much food, and they cannot fade like I can. I am stuck.

The boss-man is talking to me. I am suddenly angry. He yelled at her! He made her go away! She didn't want to stay with me...I am insignificant...I need to be more. More! If I am more real, she will want to stay!

It's that man's fault. He's smiling. Why is he smiling? Is he happy he made Sen go away? Stop it! Stop smiling! I grab the man and someone else who is nearby. They will become part of me! I will have more and more people with me, and Sen will see that I am important! Then she will stay!

They all run away. Are they leaving me? But that is okay. I will find them and make them stay!

-.-

I wander around. Where are they? Where is Sen?

Then the old woman from before is there. She is talking to me. She says to calm down, they will give me food, whatever I want. I tell her I want Sen. I want the girl who let me in! She says she will bring me Sen. So I follow her.

-.-

Sen is not here! It has been so long! I want Sen! The old woman says to be patient, that Sen is coming. I want Sen now! Where is Sen? _I want Sen!_

And then the old woman says Sen is here! She leaves, and Sen comes in! I am very happy. But I must be careful. I do not want her to reject me again. I must be nice. I must give her something she wants.

I offer her some food, or maybe some gold, but she says nothing. So I ask her what she wants. I will give her anything, if she will stay. I only want to stay with her.

And she says she wants to leave.

She tells me to go away, that I am not wanted in the bathhouse. Not wanted? Not wanted! I am never wanted! Why? Whyyy??

Family? No, Sen, I have no home, no family, no friends. I have no name. I have no past. I'm lonely. I thought you could be my friend, Sen. I'm lonely. Be part of me, and never leave me the way everyone else does. I want Sen. _I want Sen! _Take the gold! Take it! Accept my gift and become part of me! _Take it_ -

Ow. A small, sharp pain. Some creature bit me. A mouse? I've seen mice before. It dangles from my hand with its nasty little teeth digging into me. I try to hit it but it flies away. A flying mouse? Mice don't fly.

Sen says if I want to eat her, I have to eat something else first. Is she saying she will be with me after all? She throws something in my mouth and I swallow without thinking. And then everything goes blurry.

My stomach cramps up. The pain is terrible, like I have some awful sickness. My stomach heaves and I lose much of what I have eaten. Sen, what did you do to me?! Why...why! I can't think. It hurts too much. _I want Sen!!_

I find myself chasing Sen. I don't remember starting to run. Why does she run? Why won't she stay? My stomach hurts...

Something hits me in the face, pushes me back into myself, but that makes my stomach cramp even more and it pushes back. I lose more. I grab something, hold myself up. Was that the old woman? Confused...where is - Sen! There she is!

So much running. So many stairs, so many turns. So much chasing. I can't catch her. Why does she run? Almost - no! I missed her! Stop running Sen!

She stops for a moment - but then she suddenly runs sideways and I cannot stop. This body is too full, too heavy. I run into something hard and it hurts. I slowly pick myself up. My stomach heaves sharply and I lose the two people from inside me. No! I need them to be complete! Sen, why did you take them from me? I'll get you for this, Sen!

I follow her more slowly. I feel weak after losing so much, but my stomach feels slightly better. I wonder why I don't feel bad about losing so much of myself? Maybe...maybe I didn't really need those parts. I feel better as I get smaller. Maybe what is left is all I need to be "me."

I follow Sen and then I lose her down a long hallway. I cannot see where she has gone, but she must have gone this way. I follow the hallway and now there are pipes on the walls. I realize what I am walking on is a pipe too. The hallway seems brighter and then I can see the end.

I walk out and look around. Then I hear Sen's voice calling out to me. I look and see her far away below me, floating in a wooden tub. She is looking at me. I jump to follow her. There is water everywhere again, and I land in it and sink a little. I move under the water, heading for Sen. I feel much better now, only a small ache in my stomach.

I stand up and my stomach cramps once more. The frog leaves me, and I feel all right again. I do not really understand. I am the same as I was when I stood on the bridge and felt so lonely and confused. I am all alone again. I am just me. But...it does not hurt as much as it did then. Being just me, being alone with myself...feels better. Feels nice.

Sen gets out of the boat and starts walking. Is she walking on water? She says something to the other girl in the boat and walks away, getting farther and farther. I follow faster. The girl in the boat yells at me not to hurt Sen. Hurt her? No. No, I don't think I want to hurt Sen. I never really wanted to. I wanted her to be part of me. But now...now, I do not know why I am following her. But I do not want to hurt her.

The water ripples, and I turn and see a large machine coming towards me. "Train," I think. I try to walk faster, but it rolls by and pushes water up all over me. It does not hurt, but it forces me sideways. Why does water touch me when other things don't? I wonder.

The train has stopped where Sen is. She moves closer to it. Somehow I know that if she gets on the train, it will take her far away. I still want to be with Sen. I move very quickly and I manage to catch up with Sen. I hope she will not run again.

Sen turns and sees me. She asks if I want to go with her. I nod happily and try to tell her yes. But without the frog, I cannot speak anymore. But she understands me anyway.

She gets on the train and I follow her. I look around. I have never been on a train before. Sen goes and sits down. I worry. Where do I go? I look for a corner.

Sen calls me. She tells me to sit next to her and behave myself. For some reason I can understand her better now, even without the frog inside me. I am happy she wants me with her.

The train moves with a rattling noise. I wonder where it is going. I watch Sen. She is not looking at me. She is looking out the window. Is she thinking? Is she thinking about me? Somehow I do not think so.

I think as well. Why did I follow Sen? I want to be with her. But I do not think she wants to be with me, even though she let me sit here. I think she knew I wanted to sit with her and she was being nice to me. But it is not what she wants.

What do I want? To be not-lonely. To be wanted. I want that feeling I had when Sen bowed to me, when she acknowledged my existence. Maybe it is not the feeling of everyone looking at me. That felt different, and not as nice. Maybe what I want is not lots of people looking at me, but only a few. Even only one. As long as that person is looking at me, and not any gold I am carrying.

Maybe it does not have to be Sen. She doesn't really want to be with me. I think it is okay for her to want other things. She should be not-lonely and not-sad too, and if that means not being with me, that is okay. Maybe I can find someone else who will stay with me. I wonder if there is anyone who wants me.

-.-

Sen says we are getting off here. I wait behind her at the door and follow her off. Everywhere are plants, small ones called grass and very large ones called trees, with lots of water spread out between them. I like it much more than the bathhouse.

Sen says let's go. I follow her. The path is long and eventually the little flying mouse that travels with Sen gets tired. Sen offers to let it ride on her shoulder, but it refuses. I think it is silly to refuse help when Sen is being so nice.

Something comes towards us along the path. The mouse is scared, and Sen also seems cautious. I move closer to her. If this thing wants to hurt Sen, I will stop it.

But it bows to Sen, and Sen bows back. It is some sort of light on a stick with a foot at the end. I bow too. The spirit bounces off, and we follow it.

It takes us down the path. I wonder where we are going, and why Sen wanted to come here. I realize I do not know very much about Sen. But I do not know very much about myself either.

At the end of the path there is a small house. It is not big and covered with pretty things like the bathhouse, but it is nice like the grass and the trees. The lamp-spirit jumps up to hang from the gate. Sen goes up to the door and it opens, which seems odd to me. Sen goes in but I hesitate. I am not sure if I am allowed in. A voice tells me to hurry up. It sounds like the woman from the bathhouse and I am confused. Sen tells me to come on, so I go in. I have to quickly get out of the door's way as it closes, and I see the big woman from the bathhouse standing there. I am more confused. Why is she all the way out here?

I just watch as Sen talks to her. The woman acts differently from the one at the bathhouse. Her voice is nicer, just like her house. Is she a different person? They have the same face, but maybe they could be different people. I have no face and I am a person.

Sen bows to the woman and I bow too, just in case. Sen and the woman talk. I stay out of the way. The woman laughs and it is a nice laugh, much nicer than some laughs I remember. She tells Sen to sit down, and tells me to sit down too. I am very happy that she noticed I am here and she is welcoming me just like Sen.

I learn that the woman's name is Zeniba. She offers us tea and cake, which I remember is something one does for respected guests. I eat the cake and listen to Sen and Zeniba talking, and I feel very happy here. Zeniba talks to Sen for a while, and then she asks me to help her with something. She sets the mouse and fly to spinning thread, and I help. This is something that feels familiar to me. Zeniba says we are making a special present for Sen, so I work hard. It is very peaceful and I feel I could do this forever.

When we finish spinning thread, Zeniba gives us some yarn to knit. This also feels familiar. Zeniba says to me that I am good at spinning thread and I feel that feeling again, the feeling of being worthwhile. But her question, where did I learn it, tickles the edges of my memory. I ignore it. I know how, that is all. My memories are my past are my pain. I no longer need them. I can be someone else here. I can be someone. No-Face will be my name, and I will stay here and spin thread and be useful. And I will not need anyone else to help me be me.

Sen leaves. Zeniba gives her the band I helped make, and sends her to see who else has come. Sen cries out happily and runs outside, and we all follow to see. Sen is hugging a big, pretty dragon that is standing in the yard. She runs back to Zeniba and hugs her and tells her her real name is Chihiro. I think that is a much nicer name than Sen. And then she leaves with the dragon and the little rat and fly. I am okay with her leaving, though. I wave goodbye to her along with Zeniba and the lamp with a leg. I hope Chihiro will go and be seen and be wanted by many people. She is a nice girl; she will be okay.

Zeniba turns to me. She says why not go back inside and I follow her. She says that as long as I'm staying here with her, she can teach me to do magic. She tells me that there is a kind of magic called emotive magic. It means putting feelings into something. She says I can use my sewing for emotive magic and that she will teach me. I like that idea. I can make useful and pretty things and help others feel good feelings.

Now I know what this feeling is. Being seen, being useful, being wanted. It is the thing I always heard about and never felt. It is happiness. I am happy.

-.-Owari-.-


End file.
